SONIC BOOM EMULATES EARTHQUAKE; MAN SAVES DOG, NOT WIFE

Borman was saved by his owner

LOS ANGELES – A Santa Monica man reacted to last month’s sonic boom by rescuing his English cocker spaniel, Borman, from the living room where the family was watching television. Normally, this would be a heroic deed that would be rewarded.

The man’s wife responded by filing for divorce.

“That was absolutely the last straw,” exclaimed Topanga Martin. “Once again, he was thinking only of himself. He just ran out with Borman and left me behind.”

The unanticipated landing of the space shuttle at Edwards Air Force base caused a sonic boom that rocked the Los Angeles area, causing residents to flee their homes and tie up emergency lines. For many it was their first experience with a sonic boom.

“It felt just like an earthquake,” said Chatsworth Porter. “I live in Woodland Hills and the house just shook. We all ran outside to safety.”

Other Angelenos took the boom more in stride. “I grew up in the 1950s,” explained Roscoe Sepulveda. “We used to hear the booms all the time so this one was no big deal.”

Topanga Martin sees it differently. “My husband never gave a thought to my safety. He thought it was a major earthquake and he was worried only about his precious dog.”

Ms. Martin plans to sue for custody of Borman, the dog.

LOS ANGELES – A 6 year old Dalmatian named Spotz has reported her owner for neglect. Animal control services is investigating allegations that the dog is not receiving enough food.

Dog submits photo evidence of being underfed

Thomas Mester, an animal control officer with Los Angeles city services, explained. “We don’t often get complaints from the actual animals when they feel they are being abused or neglected, so this one seemed to warrant an investigation,” he said.

The Dalmatian’s complaint stems from her owner’s, and veterinarian’s, belief that the rescue dog is overweight and needs to lose a few pounds. The dog disagrees.

“I suspected that she was not feeding me enough so I watched carefully when she doled out my miserable allotment of kibble,” said the Dalmatian. “She partially fills the so-called ‘cup’ and then puts some back in the container. I have seen her perform this routine on many occasions and protested vehemently, to no avail. To make matters worse, the alleged ‘food’ is actually reduced calorie kibble so where is the nutrition in that? I am just freaking hungry!”

Spotz’s owner, Ariel McMurtry, defended her actions on Tuesday before the investigation panel at the animal control office.

“I simply read the feeding directions on the dog food bag and complied with them,” McMurtry claimed. “I even put carrots in her dish because she likes them so much. Can I help it if the beast wants to eat the entire 30 pound bag for dinner?”

A spokesperson for the Dalmatian countered that the feeding directions are only suggestions and that owners may increase the portions at their discretion. “While Ms. McMurtry is, indeed, feeding the recommended amount of kibble, it is clear that my client feels that it is not enough. The portions should be at least tripled in order for her to feel satisfied.”

McMurtry pointed out that Spotz has lost about two pounds over the past year and still has one or two pounds to lose in order to be at her healthiest weight. “There isn’t enough food on the PetCo shelves to make that dog happy,” she said. “She will never be satisfied, no matter how much she eats. She actually stalks me when I’m in the kitchen, in the offchance that I will drop some morsel on the floor. And just try to keep her from counter surfing!”

The investigation is ongoing.

As if the first revelations about ME were not enough, the public is clamoring for more. And because I am nothing if not humble, I will provide the people with what they need. Here are more fascinating things about ME…

1. I literally inhale my food and make some kind of weird deep gasping/whistling/wheezing sound while I do it.
2. I am always happy, except for those times when I am thwarted in my desires, which is almost all the time. Can I help it if I desire to do bad things?
3. I am extremely alert, except for when I am sleeping. Which is often.
4. I love carrots.
5. Whenever I get a treat or a chewie I run straight to my private suite (crate) so I can enjoy in solitude.
6. I am not afraid to step on the little people (everyone who is not ME).
7. This is my world and you just live in it.

I'm Queen of the Dogloo!

So many people have been asking personal questions about ME that I thought it was only fair to satisfy their deepest yearnings since, as a rescue dog, much of my early life is unknown to my fans.  Without too much fanfare, here are some things that my public wants to know:

1. I love to lick Skippy’s (my fur sibling) ears. I will do it for as long as she will let me. Why? See number 2 below.
2. During one of my moments of insanity I bit off the end of Skippy’s ear. Maybe that is why I lick them, to try to make it up to her. Or not.
3. I have won numerous karaoke tournaments. And why not! Who doesn’t enjoy my rendition of “Old Man River”?
4. I have a Ph.D. in Escapology from Cal Tech. Scientists from around the world have studied my technique and I have been the subject of many articles published in international scientific journals. My own studies have been published in “Fancy Dog” magazine and I am on retainer as a consultant to Homeland Security.
5. My pink collar says “Bitch” on it. Am I the only one who doesn’t think that’s funny?
6. I am mastering the art of the Smarl. Doesn’t my picture prove it?
7. I eat paper. Any paper will do. Used Kleenex is my paper of choice.
8. I insist on sleeping under the covers. It is my birthright. I do not negotiate. And when I am under the covers you will not touch me. If you touch me I will lick your feet to death. I am not kidding.

CANINES SCARE OFF INTRUDERS

LONG BEACH, CA – A family’s group of four dogs successfully protected their home from furniture vandals on Thursday. The homeowners returned from work to find that intruders had apparently entered the house and destroyed the living room furniture, throw pillows and television remote control. There were no signs of forced entry.

Alert canine protected home

Mary Lou and Robbie Astin entered the house as usual to find their four dogs asleep on the remains of the living room sofa. “It looked like a snow storm,” said Mr. Astin.”The cushions were ripped apart and the stuffing was shredded. There were gaping holes in the upholstery.”

Ms. Astin described the scene as “complete chaos. All my beautiful throw pillows were mangled and in pieces all over the place. There were even holes in the arms of the sofa.”

The furniture and accessories were a complete loss.

The Astins investigated further and discovered the damaged remote control in a corner of the room. “Apparently the vandals were unhappy with what they found in our house and displayed their displeasure by biting the remote control. We found teeth marks all over it,” reported Mr. Astin. “We were just fortunate the dogs were able to scare them away.”

It appeared the intruders had not entered any other rooms in the house. The doors leading to the bedrooms were still closed as they had been when the Astins left for work in the morning.

Grateful for the heroics of their canines, the Astins gave each of them a treat and a hug. “We’re just really glad they weren’t hurt by the intruders,” said Ms. Astin.

Long Beach Police said no other homes had been broken into in the area.

LONG BEACH, CA – A local woman adopted a one year old stray dog on December 24, just hours before the animal was scheduled to be euthanized. Cassidy, the Border Collie-Schipperke mixed breed, had been in the Long Beach animal shelter for two weeks.

Dog rescued hours before scheduled euthanasia

Ellen Adams was looking for a second dog as a companion for her one year old Cockerschnoodle.

“The shelter volunteer worked very hard to help me find the right dog,” says Adams. “She listened carefully and asked pertinent questions in order to assist me in the search.”

Joanna Melvin, 46, had been a volunteer at the shelter for three years. “I had a Golden Retriever mix in mind for Ms. Adams, although I did plan to rescue him myself that day if no one else adopted him. He turned out to be too big a dog for the Adams family so we continued to search the kennels.”

The shelter, which has since moved to much larger and better equipped quarters, was unusually crowded with canines. “We always tried to keep the animals longer around Christmastime in the hope that people would adopt them as gifts,” Melvin explains. “There were certainly a lot to choose from, and I knew the dogs who had been there for more than six days would be killed right after Christmas to make room for new ones. We worked especially hard to provide homes for the ‘long-timers’ since their futures were grim if they weren’t adopted.”

Adams walked up and down the aisles of the shelter, looking carefully at each dog. The volunteer leashed potential pets one at a time so Adams could inspect them more closely. “I was beginning to think I would have to go to another shelter,” says Adams, “because I was trying to find a dog with the right temperament to be the perfect companion for Rags, my Cockerschnoodle.”

Shortly before closing time Adams walked the aisles one last time. It was then that she saw the Border Collie mix, cowering in the dark corner of the kennel with the Golden Retriever mixed breed that Melvin had shown her originally. “The old shelter was so poorly lit that I didn’t even see her in the kennel because she was so black,” explains Adams.  “But she opened her mouth and her white teeth caught the light. I moved closer to get a better look and she came right up to the gate and licked my hand. I knew right then that she was the one. She was so happy when I stopped to look at her.”

California did not have a mandatory spay/neuter law at the time so Adams was able to take the dog home with her immediately. Melvin provided a veterinary voucher for the dog to be spayed, which she was the following week.

“I cannot tell you what a joy this dog has been to our family,” says Adams. “She has the perfect temperament; she loves children, cats and other dogs, is exceptionally obedient and eager to please. Plus, she has a terrific sense of humor. You could not ask for a better dog.”

Cassidy and Rags continue to share the Adams home, 13 years later.

LONG BEACH, CA- Bob and Linda Roman were slowly making their way home in a quiet Long Beach neighborhood, returning from an evening stroll with their elderly Scottish terrier, BeauBeau, when the unexpected happened.

Cat awaits next victim

As Linda describes it, “We were just walking along, chatting quietly, when suddenly a huge gray cat leaped out at BeauBeau and jumped on him. BeauBeau was terrified!”

New to the neighborhood, this was the Romans’ first experience with SkyLynx, the devil cat of East Long Beach.

“That cat was going after BeauBeau with a vengeance, all wild-eyed, growling and spitting at him,” says Bob Roman. “I was afraid that BeauBeau would be hurt real bad.”

The Romans attempted to rescue their terrier from the feline’s attack and were rewarded with scratches and hisses.

Just as quickly as it began, the altercation was over and SkyLynx disappeared back into the bushes. BeauBeau himself was shaken but uninjured.

“It was all over so fast,” says Linda Roman. “If we hadn’t been so scratched up we would have thought we imagined it. I’ve never seen anything like that. The attack was completely unprovoked.”

Other neighborhood residents described their encounters with the cat, nicknamed The Cat Bastard. “He’s a pretty awesome animal, dude. I mean, he has no fear. He’s like the wind,” reports Sal Vicuna, 19.

Some neighbors aren’t so taken with the animal. “He went after my Rottweiler once but I chased him off. He’s pretty quick,” says Jonathan Wilson, 44. “It’s getting so you’re not safe walking down the street, the way he lunges out at the dogs. My dog is afraid of cats now, doesn’t even try to chase them anymore.” As proof, Wilson’s 95 pound dog, Chixie, trembled at his side when the feline was mentioned.

The cat was unavailable for comment.

SIGNAL HILL, CA- Susan Artis was leaving for lunch from her job at the Home Depot when she noticed a crowd gathered in the parking lot. As she neared the group, she could see a young dog socializing with the people.

Dog abandoned in parking lot

“The Dalmatian was just so happy to be surrounded by people,” she reports. “She wasn’t the least bit nervous, she was licking peoples’ hands, going from person to person.”

No one knew what to do about the dog since she had no collar or identification. Some suggested calling Animal Control Services to remove the animal. But Artis knew that the local shelter was overcrowded and often euthanized animals. So she did what many a dog lover would do. She got a leash from her car and took the dog home.

The first stop was the veterinarian’s office. “They offered to scan for a microchip but found nothing,” says Artis. The dog had a troubling respiratory problem which was diagnosed as a reverse-sneeze. Nothing to worry about, according to the vet.

“I took the dog home for a few days and posted signs all around the area, but no one claimed her,” says Artis. “No one was looking for her.”

After two days, Artis reluctantly took the dog to the shelter. “My vet said that was the best chance of finding the owners. But I cried all the way there,” she remembers.

Artis visited the Dalmatian in the shelter every day for five days. “The dog remembered me and jumped up on the gate and licked my hand through the fence,” she says.

On the sixth day the shelter made the decision to euthanize the one year old purebred.

“None of the rescue groups would take her because they didn’t feel she would ‘kennel’ well,” Artis reports. “They were afraid she would become neurotic and aggressive if she had to stay cooped up for very long.”

Not willing to let the dog be euthanized, Artis filled out paperwork, paid the fee and adopted the Dalmatian. “I just couldn’t let her be killed,” she says. “The dog was so young and very friendly. It would have been such a tragedy.”

Artis was able to find a home for the Dalmatian with another family, but they returned her after three weeks. “She was just too much trouble for them,” she says. “I decided to make her part of my permanent collection of dogs.”

The Artis family of pets now consists of four rescue dogs and two cats. Susan Artis has had mixed feelings along the way. “It’s a lot of animals to take care of,” she says. “But I made a commitment to them for their lifetimes. You can’t just throw them away like trash.”

Apparently, the original owners didn’t share that commitment. Artis later learned from other Home Depot employees that the Dalmatian had been deliberately abandoned by a man in a pickup truck who drove away quickly.

And the Dalmatian? She is perfectly happy spending time in her personal crate during her owner’s absence. No aggression or neuroses.

OWNER’S FOUR DOGS ARE OUTRAGED

Dog expresses outrage

LOS ANGELES, CA – A local dog owner is facing the wrath of her four canines after returning home with no leftovers from a Thanksgiving meal she enjoyed with relatives. It seems the dogs, a Dalmatian and three mixed breeds, assumed they would partake of leftover turkey and the trimmings.

Gloria Linden, 51, was surprised by the level of hostility her dogs displayed. “I never promised them any leftovers,” she claimed. “I never even really told them where I was going.”

It is unclear how the canines became aware of Linden’s perceived betrayal.

The dog owner pointed out that dogs have an uncanny sense of smell. “Maybe they could just tell I was eating turkey,” she said. “I wondered why they seemed more eager to greet me when I returned.”

Linden says the dog will have to make do with their usual kibble. “Table scraps and leftovers aren’t good for them, anyway,” she explained.

Try telling that to the dogs.

NO ONE INJURED BEFORE, DURING OR AFTER CALL.

LONG BEACH, CA – Police here responded to a 911 call at 5:58 this morning at the residence of Donna Bennett, 40.

Cat dialed 911

Patrol officers Lee Amaretto and Phillip Rocker approached the second floor apartment with guns drawn. “It’s standard operating procedure when there’s a call where no one is on the line. We just don’t know what we’re walking into,” explained officer Amaretto.

It took several minutes to obtain a response from the resident, during which time the officers carefully patrolled the balcony.

“We identified ourselves immediately and waited for the occupant to answer,” said officer Rocker. “Finally the woman opened the door and appeared nervous and confused.”

The police officers searched the apartment for possible intruders and found a calico cat named Marie. “That cat was pretty ferocious,” exclaimed Amaretto, nursing a scratched hand. “She didn’t want us there at all.”

Further investigation revealed that the calico had dialed 911. “She just runs like crazy from the living room to the bedroom and uses the nightstand to launch herself onto the window sill. She must have stepped on the automatic dial button and called 911,” said Ms. Bennett.

The cat is being hailed as a hero, although there was no emergency. “I wish I had someone to watch out for me like that,” said a neighbor.

The cat owner was warned by the police officers to not let it happen again. Ms. Bennett immediately disabled the automatic dial button to comply. The cat was released with a warning.